Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Burning in hell, again.

OMG! I received a phone call from my parents last night and decided to answer it because I had been avoiding them long enough and yes, I avoid speaking to them on a regular basis. I have my reasons.

The conversation started out well with my dad, it always does. Then my mother got on the phone and surprisingly, it went well for all of 5.2 seconds. I think that was a record for us.

At 5.3 seconds, she asked me, “Do you go to a Messianic Synagogue?”

My answer? Plain and simple, “No.” And that’s all she needed to sideswipe me with a religious freight train, telling me that I was in the wrong religion because Jews don’t believe in Christ as their savior and that I was going to burn to hell. Yes. Really -she said that.

My mother has had no qualms in telling me 2 out of 3 times that I’m going to burn in hell for this or for that. Yadda, yadda, yadda. You’d think I’d be used to hearing it by now, she did start on her tantrums when I was only 13 and by my calculations, it’s only been what? 30 years that I’ve heard I’m going to burn in hell.

At first, it started because I’m gay, now it’s because I go to a Jewish (non-messianic) Synagogue. What my mother doesn’t know is that I consider myself more spiritual than anything else. Not Jewish, not Christian, not Baptist, not Catholic, not any fucking religion at all. Just Spiritual.

What’s truly sad is that she is so caught up in her own religious insanity that there is no reasoning with her. Believe me, the entire family has tried, for years. Her belief’s about religion and the fear of God’s punishment has driven a canyon through our almost non-existent relationship. And I won’t fool myself, either. Regardless, on the new reason I’m going to burn in hell, it all comes back to me being gay. I know this for a fact!

She will never know what I believe in, what I like, what makes me happy or sad, or who I am. I have lived most of my life knowing that I am her single, most, biggest disappointment.

To me, paying the price of being true to myself has come at a huge cost. It has cost me the luxury of having a loving, caring, nurturing and sane mother. Even to this day, her words cut through me as though I’m hearing them for the first time, again.

That being said, embracing who I am, doesn’t make the pain of what I’ve lost any easier.

I share my experiences, not to get sympathy, but in the hope that someone will find comfort knowing that there are others  who bear the cost of being true to themselves, as well. You are not alone.


  1. This is so sad for you. I realize you've lived with her ravings for a lot of years, but it's still so sad.

    I remember when my two kids were young I would wonder what I'd do if either, or both, was gay. It's not simply a matter of saying it wouldn't make any difference to me. I love them. Their sexuality is their business. What would have concerned me is how much difficulty they'd have to deal with in their lives. People like your mother who would never accept them as just people.

    Annie, this is a really important post. It touches so much, it really makes a Mom think about what's really important. It's not who their kid falls in love with, or who he/she is sleeping with. It's how happy that kid is.

    Thank you for giving so much of yourself to us.


  2. Thanks Jude, I always enjoy your feedback and I do hope that it helps someone out there.

    The dilemma I'm facing now is whether or not to cut off all ties with my parents. Yes, both of them because I can't speak to my dad without him putting my mom on the phone.

    After 30 years of hearing the desperation in her voice for me to accept her belief's, I've come to the realization that I will never have the type of relationship with her that I wished I could have. She is too wrapped up in her own ideas to realize she's been my persecutor, not my mother.

    It is a heartbreaking,and soul wrenching desicion I must now face. Do I continue taking the abuse for the possibility that one day I might have a loving, caring woman in my life that I would be proud to call my mother?

    or do I save myself and my sanity from what I know the reality to be?


  3. That's beyond being a tough call, Annie. Relationships, especially ones like this, are never easy to navigate. In almost every way, your words are the same words I've said about my mom, too. And I'm not gay ... just not religious enough. But for every 10 or 20 times we try to talk that go frustratingly awry, there are the sneaky fun talks where my mom can be in the moment and not in the church, and I always make time for those calls. They're rare and, as I'm sure you can imagine, highly valued. Sometimes they last only a couple of minutes. Others, I may get a half hour. But they never last. It doesn't sound like you even get those rare moments, and for that I can see why you've come to the deciding point to continue or not. Sad, but understandable. I've been there myself. But I echo Jude in saying this is a needed post with words and feelings and experiences that will resonate with others. So thank you for being honest and for sharing ... and whatever you decide, know that you have family and friends who love, like, and respect you for who you are ... and we are not disappointed. hugs!

  4. OMG we should get together to compare motherly rants. I do have to sympathize with you though i think you might have been hearing the speech a bit longer than me. Apparently me and all my friends will be there too, at least based on my mother's opinions. If so Heaven is going to be a very lonely place. I just can't believe that true love can get a person's soul damned for eternity. Maybe I'm deluded but i like it better that way.
    Being true to yourself always comes with a price and i respect that you're not willing to live a lie just to make others happy.