Coming to terms with who I was at such a young age, didn't deter what I call my unruly teens. Coming out wasn't enough for me. I had questions I needed answers to.
When I was almost 18, I ran away from home and the most painstaking part of that was leaving my younger brother and sister behind. I felt as though I had abandoned them and to this day, I still carry some of that guilt, but the truth was that running away probably saved my life.
For many years, I found myself living the American dream. Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll (well, it was more of the, The Rocky Horror Picture Show instead of rock-n-roll) but you get the point.
I had to experience the world for what it truly was, not the sheltered bubble my parents raised me in and so, I ventured out.
This is the part where most people would rather not talk about, but what the hell...
One thing my parents really drilled into my head was the concept of God. My life spiraled out of control while I tried to find a happy medium with what they had taught me about God and the life I knew I was supposed to live. I lived with the belief that no matter what I did, I was going to hell as punishment for being myself, and I gave my guardian angels a run for their money. Yes, the idea of a "hell" was that embedded in me.
It wasn't until my third suicide attempt that one of the state appointed therapist asked me what I had learned about God. My answer? Everything my parents had taught me. Then she said, "you learned about your parents God. I want to know about yours." Little did I realize that simple statement would change my life, forever.
The real work began when I started questioning the type of God, I had been taught to believe in. A vengeful and punishing God, who would make me as I am, then banish me to hell for it.
After years of therapy, I formed my own beliefs about a loving, kind, forgiving and nurturing God. I was finally able to say that God didn't betrayed me or play a cruel joke on me. I now believe in my own God, and she believes in me.
Feel free to borrow mine, if your're afraid of yours :0)