Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Whose God?

Coming to terms with who I was at such a young age, didn't deter what I call my unruly teens. Coming out wasn't enough for me. I had questions I needed answers to.

When I was almost 18, I ran away from home and the most painstaking part of that was leaving my younger brother and sister behind. I felt as though I had abandoned them and to this day, I still carry some of that guilt, but the truth was that running away probably saved my life.

For many years, I found myself living the American dream. Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll (well, it was more of the, The Rocky Horror Picture Show instead of rock-n-roll) but you get the point.

I had to experience the world for what it truly was, not the sheltered bubble my parents raised me in and so, I ventured out.

This is the part where most people would rather not talk about, but what the hell...

One thing my parents really drilled into my head was the concept of God. My life spiraled out of control while I tried to find a happy medium with what they had taught me about God and the life I knew I was supposed to live. I lived with the belief that no matter what I did, I was going to hell as punishment for being myself, and I gave my guardian angels a run for their money. Yes, the idea of a "hell" was that embedded in me.

It wasn't until my third suicide attempt that one of the state appointed therapist asked me what I had learned about God. My answer? Everything my parents had taught me. Then she said, "you learned about your parents God. I want to know about yours." Little did I realize that simple statement would change my life, forever.

The real work began when I started questioning the type of God, I had been taught to believe in. A vengeful and punishing God, who would make me as I am, then banish me to hell for it.

After years of therapy, I formed my own beliefs about a loving, kind, forgiving and nurturing God. I was finally able to say that God didn't betrayed me or play a cruel joke on me. I now believe in my own God, and she believes in me.

Feel free to borrow mine, if your're afraid of yours :0)


  1. Kudos for being open about your experiences. That's a generous gift. I hope your words reach some other teen who can take heart from them.

  2. Wow - You touched on a tough subject today, Annie. Your story brought tears to my eyes, mostly the part about believing in a punishing, vengeful God. That seems to be such a recurring theme with beliefs, and yet, most of the Bible is about how loving and forgiving God is. How did the view of God become so scewed? My opinion is the Catholic church during the Renaissance. They seemed to like to kill people, or lock them away, for believing something different. Don't worry... I know they aren't that way now, but there sure are alot of people who still believe that way.

    It took me a couple years to come to grips with wanting to write erotic, and it's still hard. You tell people what you do for a living and they look at you like you're the devil, and you're about to corrupt their kids. There's not much you can do but shrug and go on with your life. You can't change their thoughts, only your own.

    Good food for thought today, Annie. I commend you for hitting such a controvercial subject and doing it with such class.

  3. Hi Annie,

    Ya know, I've often wondered how people could make such a mess out of what I believe God is all about. I mean holy wars? What the f**k is that all about? Creating such an amazing variety of beautiful people must have been pretty cool. Watching how people twisted and tortured his creations must have torn him/her apart.

    I'm not religious, but I do have my beliefs. Kindness, thoughtfulness and acceptance are right up there.

    Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.


  4. Great blog, Annie. Thank you for being so honest and brave--you may have touched someone's heart today and made tomorrow better for them. Kudos to you, kid:)

  5. I must admit that it was a little unsettling to open up so much, but I spoke to someone recently that reminded me so much of myself when I was younger that I had to share this.

    Sometimes I keep things to myself because I've either forgotten them or think it's not important enough to talk about. I realized that I needed to be the change I wanted to see, so I am am open book. I can only Hope my blog and my posts will help someone, somewhere.

    Your support means the world to me, thank you! :0)

  6. love hearing your mind!


  7. Wow... you learned what some people don't get in an entire life time... or two or three. Great topic and touching story. Love you.